• After your pastor urges prayer for the lost, most of the congregation turns and stares at you
• Your church’s Welcoming Committee sends you a birthday card addressed to “Occupant”
• The church board disqualifies you from running for deacon after discovering you cheated at “Red Rover” during recess in the 4th grade
• An enlargement of your wedding photo reveals your bride crossed her fingers during exchange of vows
• You find a book from the church library you lost 7 years ago, and are billed a late fee of 10 cents per day
• You yawn precisely at the only moment in the whole service the pastor looks directly at you
• Your prayer partner recommends you get a pet for companionship, then hands you a small glass bowl containing a clam
• You recant belief in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Bigfoot, and are charged with hate crimes
• The deacons steal your recipe for “never-fail fudge” when repaving the church parking lot
• You install facial recognition software on your church’s computer, and it reports you to the local authorities
• Your kids require urgent medical treatment precisely at lunchtime every Sunday
• After being appointed editor of your church’s Facebook page, it gets shut down by a congregational vote for being too boring
• You can miraculously turn a 6 oz. plate of carry-in dinner into 5 lbs. of added weight
• The new pastor puts you on his prayer list after just looking at you
• When playing “True or False Bible Trivia”, you answer incorrectly 85% of the time
• Your daughter brings you to VBS for “show and tell”, and gets booed off stage
• Your pastor goes “WOKE”, and orders electrodes be installed across the back three pews

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Mick Wells, for https://faithandfriendsradio.com         2024